fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
