Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
