We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
