He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
