Define "chronic" masturbator.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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