I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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