meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
