ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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