I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
