I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize