I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
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