God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
