Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
