I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
