your parents love me but you hate me
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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