I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
