hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
