i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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