I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
