He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My hand turned me down
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
