he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
