remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
