dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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