just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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