I think my vagina is haunted
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
