Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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