My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
