so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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