Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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