You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
