There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
