LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
