The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
