Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
