So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
