and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
