Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
