glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
