so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
