Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
