Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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