you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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