i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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