in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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