you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
