she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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