Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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