I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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