it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
