I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
