GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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