Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Actions speak louder than pants.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
