Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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