He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
