it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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