I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
