it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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