if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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