her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
