he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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