I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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