The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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