The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
